Sunday, July 19, 2009

How Twilight Merchandise Enters The Home

Okay, I will admit that this is totally inspired by Twitarded's post about the Full-Size Edward Cutout, which is pricelessness redefined.

But it got me thinking about the journal from normal to "That's Normal" when it comes to ownership of Twilight merchandise.

Specifically, it got me thinking about all of the ways that Twilight merchandise manages to make its way off the shelves and into the homes of formerly sane women who have now been converted into crazed TwiLovers.

I think it starts off pretty easy and then progresses. And for the record, I am going to deny, deny, deny any resemblance between this and my own Twilight goody hoardings:

1. You read the books.

2. You buy the books. Hey, you liked reading them, right? Never hurts to have a copy of a good book in the house.

3. You get a bookmark. It's for the books. How are you supposed to mark your page without a bookmark. I recommend an Edward one for Book 1, Jacob for Book 2, and . . .wait, I got distracted looking at a shirtless Jacob bookmark. Ah, screw it. Just get Wolf Pack for all of them. You've got a lot of favorite parts, and there's a lot of Wolf Pack to go around.

4. Right, tearing away from the books, you watch the movie.

5. You buy the movie. How are you supposed to enjoy the special features if you don't own the movie, right?

6. Download the soundtrack. Or buy it. Or both. Whatever. Rock out to "Eyes On Fire" like a total badass. Attempt to say the last names of the song writers . . .if you dare.

7. Get a movie poster. Because it's funny. It's just a joke. Ha-ha, look how much I'm into this silly movie. Ha, ha, ha . . . .ahem. Continue to maintain joke excuse despite the multiple posters. Deny Robsession and/or Team Jacob status.

8. Buy a magazine with a Twilight themed article. Because you need something to read on the train/in the car/later this afternoon.

9. Buy the "Sexy Stars Of Twilight" and/or the US Weekly with six pages of Robert Pattinson. Personally, I recommend the "and" over the "or" option. Again, deny Robsession and/or Team Jacob status. Maintain you are Team Switzerland, or Team Carlisle.

10. See some Twilight chocolate at the store. Squeal like a fan girl, then buy it. It's chocolate, who gives a flying .. . um, squirrel? . . .what's on the the wrapper. It's Robert Pattinson themed chocolate! And you're so . . .hungry. Yeah, that's why you need it. Several packs of it. The hunger, OME THE HUNGER.

11. Laugh at other people's photos of Mini Edward and Tonner Edward. Think about how fun it would be to have one of your own. Think of the possibilities. Examine your budget and buy the one that fits. Or both. I'm not judging, just jealous.

12. Inadvertently mention a Twilight related interest near a birthday. Receive a Twilight pillow, blanket, mousepad, messenger bag, etc . . . .if you are lucky and have been a good girl.

13. Wake up and realize that you have a Twilight lair, complete with books, magazines, stickers (Team Edward, Team Jacob), buttons (I Like Boys Who Sparkle!), pillows, Mini Edward AND Tonner Edward.

14. Pretend you don't know how all of that got in here. Laugh about it. Scream if anyone attempts to separate you from your merch. My precious!

15. Plan to attend a premier event or set stalk later this fall. Shop for Pattinson Pants, cause you can. They'll look so much better on you anyway, it won't seem weird at all.

16. Browse Etsy for Twilight shoes and other unique merch. There are 12,885 items listed, including necklaces (nice and snarky), bracelets, lotions . . . there are just so many creative folks out there, how can you not support them?

17. Um . . . . admit you have a problem? Oh wait . . .if you admit you have a problem, that might imply you want it fixed. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH . . . .ahem.

18. Wonder what sweet merch will be coming out with New Moon. Wonder if 30 is too old for rub on Wolf Pack tattoos . . . .

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