Jacob Black Tonner Doll = Fail

I don't have much to say about the new Tonner doll that's supposed to represent Jacob Black other than no. Just, no.

Creepy Ken? Yes, this is.



Jacob Black. . . not so much. Can't they at least make it look like Taylor Lautner? The arms are especially disturbing.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. . . fail!

Taylor Lautner, Tuxedo Style

While the Golden Globes were painful to watch (Ricky Gervais, ick!), there was one bright spot in the evening.

Taylor Lautner may have sounded a little stilted as he presented, but he looked good in his suit. No idea what it was made of . . .shiny something. I've heard rumors of pleather, but my brain just can't process the werewolf Jacob in pleather that so we'll settle for shiny. Shiny is good.

Worst Shirtless Jacob Black Doll Ever Made

Okay, so Mattel's $24.95 version of a shirtless Jacob Black in jorts may be the only mass market doll available . . . but it's still the worst. I'm not sure whether to laugh at this or just cry over how horribly wrong this looks.

Available February 2010

Twilight Moms Scare Taylor Lautner

Well, this is just great.

Apparently, the crazy Twilight mothers out there who are using their teenage daughters as excuses to go to Twilight events are scaring The Young One.

It's not you. It's your Mom. I think she wants to eat me.

The poor New Moon hottie Taylor Lautner is getting a little intimidated by the ladies at his promotional events. Frankly, if someone old enough to be my parent came up and said this to me I would freak out, too. Here's his story, as told to Star Magazine:

"I was at a signing and this mum and her teenage daughter are walking up. And the mum's shaking, she's so excited. "They get to the front, and the mum goes, 'Taylor, I'm wearing panties that have your name on them. If I find a way to take them off and have you sign them, is that Ok?"


Lady, no. It. Is. Not. Ok.

Not okay! Bad idea! I realize that the magnetic pull of all the muscles that kid has put on as a part of playing Jacob Black is hard to resist. I get that. I really do. But he's still basically . . . okay, frankly, he is actually . . . UNDERAGE.

Now eventually, he will be old enough for all the crazy things his fans would like to do to him. However, crazy old Twilight moms, making him scared of all of his fans will not make it likely that he would ever go out with any of them. Instead, we'll all have scared him so bad that he'll turn into Robert Pattinson, hiding under hoodies and barricading himself into his hotel room.

So, crazy Twilight mom, thanks a lot. The whole fandom appreciates you. Now knock it off!

Taylor Lautner Wins Spike Scream Award, Uses It As A Horn

I will confess I did not watch the Spike Scream Awards Ceremony live. Those shows drive me nuts because they go on forever, and I knew I'd get the highlights online later in a fraction of the time.

Basically, Taylor Lautner cleaned up at the Spike Scream Awards, winning an award for Best Breakout Performance and getting to show off some cool Wolf Pack transformation footage (when I have more than screen caps and fuzzy videos of videos, I'll share). All very nice, very honorable, very good for the old reputation as a mature, up-and-coming actor.

Then, like a real 17 year old boy, he did this:

What are you trying to be, kid? A unicorn?

It reminded me why I never fully convert to Team Taylor . . . or Team Jacob. There's socially awkward, and then there's "Did you honestly just use an award as a horn? While still on national television? I'm going to not know you for a while."

Wet Taylor Lautner vs. Wet Xavier Samuel

Since wet, hot men are all the rage for Eclipse, I figured why not a little competition between two of the bigger contenders for the hearts of Team Edward? Thus, in a battle for sopping wet hotness to the brain death, it's wet Taylor Lautner vs. wet Xavier Samuel.

Contender 1: Taylor Lautner

In this corner, we have Taylor Lautner, who beefed up his physique to ridiculous levels for his role as the rejected werewolf Jacob Black. Frankly, if he keeps running around like this, the defection levels from Team Cullen are going to hit crisis levels. Points in his favor include:

• Playing that all-American sport, football
• Winning smile
• Total willingness to show it all off there in his semi-see-through white T-shirt

Points against him:

• Jailbait status until February 11, 2010.
• A chaperone who resembles Jabba the Hut (sorry Big Daddy, but, well . . . sorry!)

Contender 2: Xavier Samuel

In this corner, we have Xavier Samuel, who has managed to convert a so-so career in Australia into an expanded Twilight experience. His moderate levels of resemblance to Mr. Cullen have been noted before along with remarks about the blogosphere's chatter on his sex-god status, but he has more to offer the Twination. Points in his favor include:

• He's 25 (Xavier will be 26 December 10th) which makes him totally street legal in all 50 states
  
• Shown here playing that all-Australian sport, surfing, he apparently made a whole movie, Newcastle, clad mainly in a wet suit. Win!
  
• Hangs out chaperone-less and known to drink

Points against him:

• Sings badly. Apparently uses said singing voice to annoy Rob by singing Miley Cyrus and Katie Perry at him. WTF? (Ashley Greene totally brought this up in an interview, btw)
  
• Spends a lot of time hanging out with Bryce Dallas Howard and her husband/kid.
  
• Australian, virtually unknown in the US

As I look over these, I'm not seeing a clear winner emerge. I mean, the whole underage thing works against Taylor, but then if any man croons Miley Cyrus at me I will probably kick him regardless of his hotness level. What are your thoughts?

Taylor Launter Is One Hot, Wet Showoff

A little something to ponder for the weekend . . .given that Taylor Lautner will be street legal by the time that Eclipse is all wrapped and Breaking Dawn gets underway . . .how much mayhem can a man who can do this wreck on Hollywood? And/or the hearts (pants) of women everywhere? I mean . . .well . . .DAMN.



Pretty much this photo is a Team Jacob 1, Team Edward in Tweed -0-

Jacob Black's Sexy Back

Had some fun on Photobucket pointing out just what's wrong with this picture:

Concentrating In The Face Of Abs

As much as I like to mock Kristen Stewart for her ridiculous facial expressions in the Twilight movies, this is one look I totally understand. Check this out:

You see that look on her face? That look is quite clearly the look known as "What was I trying to say before you took your shirt off?"

I can only imagine her train of thought here. Mostly because I know what my train of thought would be ... okay, what my train of thought IS. I'm going to hell. Or at the very least, jail.

Rob Pattinson vs. Xavier Samuel

In a battle for hotness to the death, who would win? Although this was something I had personally never contemplated, not knowing Xavier Samuel from a rock in my shoe, apparently there are swirls in the blogosphere that he may be a contender for replacing Rob Pattinson as the King of Sex Incarnate.

WTForks, right?

I mean, in one corner we have legions . . .and legions . . . and legions of SCREAMING fan girls, followed by millions of quieter women who kind of know better but don't give a flying squirrel about how ridiculous they are with their little Robsession. I'm in their camp. And it's not so little (Yeah, that's what she said).

Oh, I may sneak over to Team Jacob now and again, and let's all just admit that the Wolf Pack abs are perfectly lickable, but honestly, it's ROB PATTINSON.

All Hail The Hotness!

And in the other corner, we have Xavier Samuel.

Thanks, JustJared.

Things that I knew about Xavier Samuel, prior to him getting cast as Riley in Eclipse:

• (crickets)
  

Things I learned about Xavier Samuel from the general Twiverse prior to writing this post:

• Australian
• Blonde
• Smokes
• Made the cut for the cast

Things I learned about Xavier Samuel on Wikipedia:

• He's 25, which makes him older than Rob and not jailbait (in most states) like Taylor.

We'll take that as a win. Some of the cast needs to be of age, or how will I ever get Jacob and the Wolf Pack drunk enough to . . . never mind. Focus, focus, focus.

• He's done some theater: Two Weeks With The Queen, Osama The Hero, and Mercury Fur.

Never heard of any of those. You? (crickets) Yeah, I kind of thought that.

• He's done two TV shows. McLeod's Daughters, a series, and Dream Life, a movie.
  

Still not ringing a bell.

• There are some movies in there too, 2:37, Angela's Decision, September, Newcastle, The Loved Ones, and Road Train.
  

Maybe they were big in Australia?

So, basically I'm a prejudiced, original cast loving kind of girl. Who is Xavier Samuel? In my book, until he starts doing Kellan Lutz push up tricks, starts a band a la Mr. Rathbone, or sprouts Wolf Pack worthy abs, this kid is a nobody.

And he's definitely not hotter than Rob!

Hello There, 2010 New Moon Calendar

The committee of people who make the world a better place have been throwing around scans of the 2010 New Moon Calendar. To which I can only say, thank you, thank you, thank you. Here are a pair of the scans:

Miss January, anyone?

I think he's rescuing her . . . or causing me heart failure.
One of the two, that's for sure.

Lovely, aren't they? Repeat after me: Jacob is jailbait, Jacob is jailbait, Jacob is jailbait. Okay, so technically so is Edward, but I think after 108 years of being jailbait they just forget about it.

Still Pissed About Summit? Yeah, Me Too.

Okay, so I had my little rant yesterday about this, and I woke up this morning still pretty ticked. Now that I've taken the time to do more reading about it, the result is . . .yep, still pissed. Summit, you're THE SUCK right now in my book, okay?

I'm hunting for distractions from the Rachelle Lefevre drama, and it isn't really working. Okay, so this works a little:

But seriously people, I'm reaching here. Do you have better distractions? Email me at runsfromreality [at] gmail [dot] com.

While We Wait For Comic Con Goodies

Okay, so like most of the Twi-blogosphere NOT LUCKY ENOUGH to actually be at Comic Con, I am hanging out and waiting for the goodies to unload after this afternoon's panels.

In the meantime . . . .while this afternoon is going to be all about Rob (well, truthfully, isn't it?) here are a few of the other good things about the movies:

And now back to our regularly scheduled waiting for updates & news . . . . .

How Twilight Merchandise Enters The Home

Okay, I will admit that this is totally inspired by Twitarded's post about the Full-Size Edward Cutout, which is pricelessness redefined.

But it got me thinking about the journal from normal to "That's Normal" when it comes to ownership of Twilight merchandise.

Specifically, it got me thinking about all of the ways that Twilight merchandise manages to make its way off the shelves and into the homes of formerly sane women who have now been converted into crazed TwiLovers.

I think it starts off pretty easy and then progresses. And for the record, I am going to deny, deny, deny any resemblance between this and my own Twilight goody hoardings:

1. You read the books.

2. You buy the books. Hey, you liked reading them, right? Never hurts to have a copy of a good book in the house.

3. You get a bookmark. It's for the books. How are you supposed to mark your page without a bookmark. I recommend an Edward one for Book 1, Jacob for Book 2, and . . .wait, I got distracted looking at a shirtless Jacob bookmark. Ah, screw it. Just get Wolf Pack for all of them. You've got a lot of favorite parts, and there's a lot of Wolf Pack to go around.

4. Right, tearing away from the books, you watch the movie.

5. You buy the movie. How are you supposed to enjoy the special features if you don't own the movie, right?

6. Download the soundtrack. Or buy it. Or both. Whatever. Rock out to "Eyes On Fire" like a total badass. Attempt to say the last names of the song writers . . .if you dare.

7. Get a movie poster. Because it's funny. It's just a joke. Ha-ha, look how much I'm into this silly movie. Ha, ha, ha . . . .ahem. Continue to maintain joke excuse despite the multiple posters. Deny Robsession and/or Team Jacob status.

8. Buy a magazine with a Twilight themed article. Because you need something to read on the train/in the car/later this afternoon.

9. Buy the "Sexy Stars Of Twilight" and/or the US Weekly with six pages of Robert Pattinson. Personally, I recommend the "and" over the "or" option. Again, deny Robsession and/or Team Jacob status. Maintain you are Team Switzerland, or Team Carlisle.

10. See some Twilight chocolate at the store. Squeal like a fan girl, then buy it. It's chocolate, who gives a flying .. . um, squirrel? . . .what's on the the wrapper. It's Robert Pattinson themed chocolate! And you're so . . .hungry. Yeah, that's why you need it. Several packs of it. The hunger, OME THE HUNGER.

11. Laugh at other people's photos of Mini Edward and Tonner Edward. Think about how fun it would be to have one of your own. Think of the possibilities. Examine your budget and buy the one that fits. Or both. I'm not judging, just jealous.

12. Inadvertently mention a Twilight related interest near a birthday. Receive a Twilight pillow, blanket, mousepad, messenger bag, etc . . . .if you are lucky and have been a good girl.

13. Wake up and realize that you have a Twilight lair, complete with books, magazines, stickers (Team Edward, Team Jacob), buttons (I Like Boys Who Sparkle!), pillows, Mini Edward AND Tonner Edward.

14. Pretend you don't know how all of that got in here. Laugh about it. Scream if anyone attempts to separate you from your merch. My precious!

15. Plan to attend a premier event or set stalk later this fall. Shop for Pattinson Pants, cause you can. They'll look so much better on you anyway, it won't seem weird at all.

16. Browse Etsy for Twilight shoes and other unique merch. There are 12,885 items listed, including necklaces (nice and snarky), bracelets, lotions . . . there are just so many creative folks out there, how can you not support them?

17. Um . . . . admit you have a problem? Oh wait . . .if you admit you have a problem, that might imply you want it fixed. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH . . . .ahem.

18. Wonder what sweet merch will be coming out with New Moon. Wonder if 30 is too old for rub on Wolf Pack tattoos . . . .