If I Was A Werewolf, I'd Shred My Boyfriend

I'll admit, I credit some of my current relationship's existence to the power of Twilight.  How, you ask, especially since Twilight loving makes so many guys run for the hills?  Well, because I was being pretty into the fandom and being a fan fic writer and just enjoying myself, I was radiating that kind of happy glow that seems to be a magnet for meeting people.

So, add in one boyfriend to my life mix.  Good times, right?

Well, mostly.  Right now it is safe to say that if I was a werewolf, I would have power-shredded his ass.  Probably about three times now.

Rawr!

 

It's a hundred little things, culminating with not being able to get a decent night's sleep for the last week.  This made last night's "Let's go out with my clients so I can get weeknight shitfaced" adventure a very crabby experience for sober me, who has to do real work today.  Only my insistence that I needed sleep last night versus turning things into an all-night adventure capped with sexcapades makes me the evil, vindictive bitch here.  Not the one in the other room playing metal and hard rock with room shaking volume and pouting.

And I'm trying to work.  Really.  I have not given up on the day and cried and wished I had my own personal vampire to whisk me away to the Isle Esme, or at least Alaska.  I haven't done that.  I haven't wondered if maybe it wasn't just easier to live alone with a massive secret Twilight obsession than have a warm, real boyfriend who is wonderful most of the time.  No, don't be silly.  I'm not longing for the days where I could get actual projects done and read as much fan fiction as I wanted. No, no, no - why would I do that?

*Cue loud guitars screeching*

Okay, fine.  I'm throwing a massive personal pity party starting NOW.  There's chocolate ice cream in the freezer and I'm having it for lunch.  It should be a helluva day and you're all invited to join.  The first person to show up with a margarita in a bag or a vampire wearing only a bow is my hero.

Twilight Supermarket Tabloid Shocker!

I was in the grocery store today and just about died when I got to the checkout line.  Not because a new Robert Pattinson photo spread was staring back at me, or because they had another Wolf Pack featurette for sale.

No, I was in shock because The Twilight Saga: Eclipse opened this week to record breaking ticket sales, and there wasn't a damn tabloid headline dedicated to a member of the cast anywhere to be seen.

WTForks, people?

Sandra Bullock is getting a divorce.  Still.

The Bachelorette is dumped.  Yawn.

Jennifer Aniston is having a baby.  I DO NOT EVEN CARE.

I've gotten used to not being able to turn around without seeing a piece of Twilight related merchandise somewhere in the immediate vicinity when I'm out shopping.  Admittedly, at times I thought it was getting a little out of hand but I never thought that on release week - RELEASE WEEK, YOU MORONS - the tabloids and glossies wouldn't be in a Twilight swoon, rolling in money as old fans and new fans alike snapped up special issues.

Also . . . it's the 4th of July and I was in line for a really long time.  Some Twilight made-up gossip drama would have trumped the hell out of reading about that Bachelorette crap while I waited for the lady with 2,000 items in her cart of check out.  Just saying.

It's like all the marketing people died or went on vacation.  Or are clinically dumb.

FOR THE LOVE OF A SHIRTLESS WEREWOLF, DON'T YOU PEOPLE LIKE MONEY?

Screw You, Interstate 40

Okay, this post is only marginally Twilight related. Think Team Jacob for a minute. However, it has more to do with the utter bear that was my trip home for Thanksgiving.

The trip started out okay, other than the rain. But you know what? I can handle a little rain. It's not like I am going to move to Forks anytime soon, but I was down with the rain.

And then they closed the Interstate.

And then . . . .ugh. GPS is only so helpful when the main road is closed. I had to resort to physical maps, and even then I had to retrace my steps twice and start over. Interstate 40 wasn't closed for just a few miles. It was closed for a heckuva stretch due to some rock slides.

You know you're on the wrong kind of short cut when the fastest route is over the Blue Ridge Parkway. This is my official shout out to Highway 19 . . .you kind of suck, you know that? One lane the whole way, and I got to watch God's country swing by at a leisurely 35 mph while the Hyundai Santa Fe in front of me took its sweet time.

My main consolation was that I got to short cut through an Indian reservation. Crabby and bitchtastic to the max in the car, I'd vented to everyone I knew until God removed my cell phone signal. With no choice but to try and make the best of things, I attempted to spot Wolf Pack worthy locals as I passed through Cherokee.

No such luck, although I did see an Indian dancer in full dress costume. Sadly, not the same as a jorts wearing wolfie.

My little detour only added about three hours to my drive. No big deal, since I was only doing about 13 hours of driving that day. What's another three hours, right?

I was so happy to see civilization again . . . until I realized I'd spit myself out in Pigeon Forge . . .home of Dollywood.

Yep, it's gonna be a long Thanksgiving. Hope yours is going better!

Twilight Moms Scare Taylor Lautner

Well, this is just great.

Apparently, the crazy Twilight mothers out there who are using their teenage daughters as excuses to go to Twilight events are scaring The Young One.

It's not you. It's your Mom. I think she wants to eat me.

The poor New Moon hottie Taylor Lautner is getting a little intimidated by the ladies at his promotional events. Frankly, if someone old enough to be my parent came up and said this to me I would freak out, too. Here's his story, as told to Star Magazine:

"I was at a signing and this mum and her teenage daughter are walking up. And the mum's shaking, she's so excited. "They get to the front, and the mum goes, 'Taylor, I'm wearing panties that have your name on them. If I find a way to take them off and have you sign them, is that Ok?"


Lady, no. It. Is. Not. Ok.

Not okay! Bad idea! I realize that the magnetic pull of all the muscles that kid has put on as a part of playing Jacob Black is hard to resist. I get that. I really do. But he's still basically . . . okay, frankly, he is actually . . . UNDERAGE.

Now eventually, he will be old enough for all the crazy things his fans would like to do to him. However, crazy old Twilight moms, making him scared of all of his fans will not make it likely that he would ever go out with any of them. Instead, we'll all have scared him so bad that he'll turn into Robert Pattinson, hiding under hoodies and barricading himself into his hotel room.

So, crazy Twilight mom, thanks a lot. The whole fandom appreciates you. Now knock it off!

The Shoes Ruin This Photo of Rob Pattinson In Japan

So, I am totally fine with hopping on the publicity tour bandwagon as long as it's not straight Wolf Pack all the time. Thus, you know I was really looking forward to enjoying the photos of Rob Pattinson with New Moon director Chris Weitz in Japan.

Then, like a tractor beam on the Death Star, my eyes were drawn to the shoes. Can you spot the ones I'm talking about here?

Hint: These aren't men's shoes I'm obsessed with!

Ignoring a host of other things I'd love to comment about here with regards to the overall look, what the ever loving bejebus is on her feet?

Twilight Trading Cards? WTForks?

Okay, I get that movie merchandising is where the money is. Really, I get it. Print up some life-size posters of a shirtless Robert Pattinson or a Wolf Pack that's been freshly oiled, and you can hear the CHA-CHING echoing across the Twidom. Heck, even the fully clothed cast is a gold mine, as witnessed by "The Sexy Stars of Twilight" and "The Sexy Stars of New Moon" magazine sales.

But trading cards? What sort of buffoon stocks up on trading cards for Twilight? Since when did Pokemon return? Has Magic the Gathering made a comeback I'm not away of?

Even more mind-boggling . . . how are these things sold out already? Oh wait, that's the Twilight trading cards that are STILL sold out (Thanks, Inkworks). The New Moon trading cards are supposedly available on Amazon.

Yeah, right.

Those are all gone, too. You have to get them from resellers (not that there's anything wrong with that, but . . .) It just kind of weirds me out that they sold that hard and that fast.

I like magazines, posters . . . maybe an action figure or a greeting card or two. But Twilight and New Moon trading cards? It makes me feel . . . 12 years. Maybe more like 8 years old. There's just something about them.

Not that they aren't bad shots, mind you. They're just itty bitty. You can squint at all 72 of them scanned over at Thinking of Rob.

A Twilight Halloween? Save Me Now.

In a vain attempt to block out the sounds of the construction crew re-siding my sister's house, I turned to Twilight. Okay, the wonderful Twilight-related blogs. I wanted a distraction. I needed a distraction.

What did I find? Pumpkin Stencils.

That's right, there are Twilight pumpkin stencils, so you can carve your very own piece of FIRST-HAND embarrassment and put it on your porch. All you need to do after that is install a bright neon sign on your house that says "Please mock me and vandalize my property" and you'll be good to go for real memorable Halloween.

The Twilight pumpkin stencils are hideous. As in, cringe-worthy to the nth degree. In no particular order of awfulness, I have:

Edward Cullen & his "angry" face

Jacob Black, still with really bad hair



Bella Swan, moronic expression intact



Our favorite lovebirds, labeled so even strangers will know

What really adds insult to injury is that these are rated at an intermediate difficulty level. Thus, someone wanting to embarrass themselves and their family, and possibly the whole neighborhood by extension, actually needs to spend hours on this baloney.

Now, admittedly, there are some things that could be done with a Twilight Halloween pumpkin that might . . . if you're stretching . . . justify carving one of these bad boys up. Like, for example, if you really want to irk a Team Jacob friend by smashing up his bright orange visage. Or if you want to get back at Bella Swan for being a twat by NOT carving her onto the pumpkin with Edward. But still, it's a lot of time and effort for not a lot of reward.

The official Twilight pumpkin stencils go for about $13.95. I don't think it's worth it. Not for something that looks ridiculous and is pretty much guaranteed to get you brutally harassed by everyone who sees them. Thoughts?

Wolf Pack With Shirts = Unacceptable

RAWR!

Okay, whose brilliant idea was it to put out a brand new poster of the Wolf Pack WITH SHIRTS?

This is not acceptable.

No one wants to see these puppies with their shirts on. NO ONE. Plus, this whole set up makes them look like they just escaped from jail and have been living in your garden shed for weeks, only to take a vote and decide to break into your house and kill you for your groceries. After huffing all your cleaning products.

Bad marketing department, bad, bad.

I've Dreamed About Chris Weitz

Today was cold and dreary here (damn you, oncoming winter) and so I needed a nap.

And in a sign that all things Twilight related are effing up my brain, I dreamed about Chris Weitz.

Yes, that's the one. The very same. And while he is funny and cute(ish) and much more in my age range than the Wolf Pack I've been ogling the rest of the weekend HE'S MARRIED. Thank goodness in the dream all we did was try and work out a time to have dinner, cause otherwise I'd been at the shrink's. I don't do married people, even in my dream life.

So it's official: Twilight really does drag you to the dark side. Help!