Kristen Stewart as Stephanie Meyer's Evil Twin

Is Kristen Stewart morphing into Stephanie Meyer's evil twin? Could be ... something about this publicity photo from the Breaking Dawn 2 premiere put me in a very Portrait of Dorian Gray mindset. The way their faces are aligned, the resemblance between the two stands out in an odd way.

Photo from The Superficial

Think about it ... the evil twin thing would explain so much. The irrational behavior, the cheating, the strange interviews - Kristen Stewart's real personality could just be getting overwhelmed by Stephanie Meyer's use of her as a younger, hotter version of herself. Life by proxy - I mean, it's as reasonable an explanation for Rupert Sanders as anything else I've read. Plus it explains how the two of them seem to be creepily looking more alike every time they're photographed together. 

Screw Captain America!

The latest rumors have Ashley Greene dating Chris Evans.  And by dating, I mean she talked to him at a club and maybe flirted a little.  It's called a fresh break up and alcohol, not "dating" Chris Evans.  Sure, Chris Evans may be getting press at the moment for being Captain America, but seriously, after a Jonas brother who wouldn't you talk to in order forget the all-too-recent past?

Not that Ashley Greene is looking terribly heartbroken.

She's got her hair long, a smile on, a necklace I totally want, and nary a Joe Jonas look-alike in sight.  Which is just way I like it, because while she was going out with Joe Jonas I almost had to break my don't be mean to Ashley Greene rule.  He's just too ... too ... uck, can't even describe it.  Just no.

I feel like Chris Evans is a little bit the same way.  I mean, he's a nice-ish guy, I guess, and by Hollywood standards he's pretty above board.  It's just that he's so boring.  Still, after all the Breaking Dawn filming madness and the Jonas brothers freaks that Ashley Greene has been dealing with lately, maybe she wants some boring?

If I Was A Werewolf, I'd Shred My Boyfriend

I'll admit, I credit some of my current relationship's existence to the power of Twilight.  How, you ask, especially since Twilight loving makes so many guys run for the hills?  Well, because I was being pretty into the fandom and being a fan fic writer and just enjoying myself, I was radiating that kind of happy glow that seems to be a magnet for meeting people.

So, add in one boyfriend to my life mix.  Good times, right?

Well, mostly.  Right now it is safe to say that if I was a werewolf, I would have power-shredded his ass.  Probably about three times now.

Rawr!

 

It's a hundred little things, culminating with not being able to get a decent night's sleep for the last week.  This made last night's "Let's go out with my clients so I can get weeknight shitfaced" adventure a very crabby experience for sober me, who has to do real work today.  Only my insistence that I needed sleep last night versus turning things into an all-night adventure capped with sexcapades makes me the evil, vindictive bitch here.  Not the one in the other room playing metal and hard rock with room shaking volume and pouting.

And I'm trying to work.  Really.  I have not given up on the day and cried and wished I had my own personal vampire to whisk me away to the Isle Esme, or at least Alaska.  I haven't done that.  I haven't wondered if maybe it wasn't just easier to live alone with a massive secret Twilight obsession than have a warm, real boyfriend who is wonderful most of the time.  No, don't be silly.  I'm not longing for the days where I could get actual projects done and read as much fan fiction as I wanted. No, no, no - why would I do that?

*Cue loud guitars screeching*

Okay, fine.  I'm throwing a massive personal pity party starting NOW.  There's chocolate ice cream in the freezer and I'm having it for lunch.  It should be a helluva day and you're all invited to join.  The first person to show up with a margarita in a bag or a vampire wearing only a bow is my hero.

Jacob Black Tonner Doll = Fail

I don't have much to say about the new Tonner doll that's supposed to represent Jacob Black other than no. Just, no.

Creepy Ken? Yes, this is.



Jacob Black. . . not so much. Can't they at least make it look like Taylor Lautner? The arms are especially disturbing.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. . . fail!

Kellan Lutz: Not So Pretty In Pink

Here's a photo of Kellan Lutz at the Golden Globes party honoring Young Hollywood. I hate to say it, but this picture pretty much sucks. I love Kellan and think he's super hot in most photos, but his skin, the blond hair, and this background do not go together.

Worst Shirtless Jacob Black Doll Ever Made

Okay, so Mattel's $24.95 version of a shirtless Jacob Black in jorts may be the only mass market doll available . . . but it's still the worst. I'm not sure whether to laugh at this or just cry over how horribly wrong this looks.

Available February 2010

Twilight Moms Scare Taylor Lautner

Well, this is just great.

Apparently, the crazy Twilight mothers out there who are using their teenage daughters as excuses to go to Twilight events are scaring The Young One.

It's not you. It's your Mom. I think she wants to eat me.

The poor New Moon hottie Taylor Lautner is getting a little intimidated by the ladies at his promotional events. Frankly, if someone old enough to be my parent came up and said this to me I would freak out, too. Here's his story, as told to Star Magazine:

"I was at a signing and this mum and her teenage daughter are walking up. And the mum's shaking, she's so excited. "They get to the front, and the mum goes, 'Taylor, I'm wearing panties that have your name on them. If I find a way to take them off and have you sign them, is that Ok?"


Lady, no. It. Is. Not. Ok.

Not okay! Bad idea! I realize that the magnetic pull of all the muscles that kid has put on as a part of playing Jacob Black is hard to resist. I get that. I really do. But he's still basically . . . okay, frankly, he is actually . . . UNDERAGE.

Now eventually, he will be old enough for all the crazy things his fans would like to do to him. However, crazy old Twilight moms, making him scared of all of his fans will not make it likely that he would ever go out with any of them. Instead, we'll all have scared him so bad that he'll turn into Robert Pattinson, hiding under hoodies and barricading himself into his hotel room.

So, crazy Twilight mom, thanks a lot. The whole fandom appreciates you. Now knock it off!

Someone Out There Is Not A Nikki Reed Fan

Well, here's the thing. I've suspected this for a while, but looking at the latest promotional still of Nikki Reed as Rosalie Hale in New Moon, I've come to the conclusion that someone out there is not a Nikki Reed fan and . . . it's the guy with the camera.

Seriously, she's not a hideously ugly individual in real life, even if she dates that douche Paris. So what is with these photos? Even though she is in all black, with the hair and the angle, the photographer still manages to make her look puffy and "big-boned". For the love, she's supposed to be a goddess of beauty, even if she is a bitch. This just makes her look like she's spent her entire vampire life eating Ben & Jerry's with a nasty case of the cramps.

A Twilight Halloween? Save Me Now.

In a vain attempt to block out the sounds of the construction crew re-siding my sister's house, I turned to Twilight. Okay, the wonderful Twilight-related blogs. I wanted a distraction. I needed a distraction.

What did I find? Pumpkin Stencils.

That's right, there are Twilight pumpkin stencils, so you can carve your very own piece of FIRST-HAND embarrassment and put it on your porch. All you need to do after that is install a bright neon sign on your house that says "Please mock me and vandalize my property" and you'll be good to go for real memorable Halloween.

The Twilight pumpkin stencils are hideous. As in, cringe-worthy to the nth degree. In no particular order of awfulness, I have:

Edward Cullen & his "angry" face

Jacob Black, still with really bad hair



Bella Swan, moronic expression intact



Our favorite lovebirds, labeled so even strangers will know

What really adds insult to injury is that these are rated at an intermediate difficulty level. Thus, someone wanting to embarrass themselves and their family, and possibly the whole neighborhood by extension, actually needs to spend hours on this baloney.

Now, admittedly, there are some things that could be done with a Twilight Halloween pumpkin that might . . . if you're stretching . . . justify carving one of these bad boys up. Like, for example, if you really want to irk a Team Jacob friend by smashing up his bright orange visage. Or if you want to get back at Bella Swan for being a twat by NOT carving her onto the pumpkin with Edward. But still, it's a lot of time and effort for not a lot of reward.

The official Twilight pumpkin stencils go for about $13.95. I don't think it's worth it. Not for something that looks ridiculous and is pretty much guaranteed to get you brutally harassed by everyone who sees them. Thoughts?

Wolf Pack With Shirts = Unacceptable

RAWR!

Okay, whose brilliant idea was it to put out a brand new poster of the Wolf Pack WITH SHIRTS?

This is not acceptable.

No one wants to see these puppies with their shirts on. NO ONE. Plus, this whole set up makes them look like they just escaped from jail and have been living in your garden shed for weeks, only to take a vote and decide to break into your house and kill you for your groceries. After huffing all your cleaning products.

Bad marketing department, bad, bad.

I've Dreamed About Chris Weitz

Today was cold and dreary here (damn you, oncoming winter) and so I needed a nap.

And in a sign that all things Twilight related are effing up my brain, I dreamed about Chris Weitz.

Yes, that's the one. The very same. And while he is funny and cute(ish) and much more in my age range than the Wolf Pack I've been ogling the rest of the weekend HE'S MARRIED. Thank goodness in the dream all we did was try and work out a time to have dinner, cause otherwise I'd been at the shrink's. I don't do married people, even in my dream life.

So it's official: Twilight really does drag you to the dark side. Help!

When Outfits Attack: Ashley Greene

Yay for the MTV VMAs! I missed the live feed so I have about 10 billion YouTube postings to catch up on, but fortunately there is plenty of time for my favorite awards show game: What the hell are you wearing?

Today's contestant is none other than VMA fashion correspondent Ashley Greene. Yes, we all know and love Ashley, and I may have counseled in the past that you don't be mean to Ashley Greene.

However, you don't be dressin' Ashley Greene in no stinkin' gold lamé skirt, either.

Exhibit A: The Horror

For shame! Who did this? You know she didn't get to dress herself. Most of the time when she dresses herself she looks pretty good.

Exhibit B: Personal Taste

And even though I thought the skirt here was a little special, too, at least it didn't make me want to gouge my eyes out.

Exhibit C: Past Choices

So basically what we have here is ample evidence that Ashley is a basically competent dresser, capable of not looking like something that escaped from the '80's just this afternoon. Which means I have to find someone and hit them for this.

Exhibit A: The Horror, Again, Because I'm Not Done

I would also like to have her ditch the shoes, that necklace, and whoever did her eye make-up. She looks good, but it's more like an outfit I would have expected on Kristen Stewart, especially after that punk spike skirt thing from the Teen Choice Awards.

For the record, I don't like the clutch she's holding, either. Shudders. Ashley, please, I count on you to be the cute one! Don't let this happen again.

Twilight Porn For Halloween?

As much fan fiction as there is out there, and given the riotous laughingstock that is the sparklepeen, you knew it was only a matter of time before someone made Twilight porn.

There are some pieces of me that acknowledged, on one level, that it must be in existence out there somewhere, the porn world being what it is and all. It's just a whole other thing to see the movie posters out there in the Twiverse and know that yes, Virginia, there is a Twilight porn. Coming soon to a theatre (or home theatre) near you.

Even more shudder worth are the details from Twicrack Addict, where I got to learn that the star, Jenna Haze, is apparently the 2009 female performer of the year. If I was Kristen Stewart, I'm not sure if that would make me feel better or worse, to know that I have a porn star alter ego who has won "real" acting awards.

Then again, if I was Kristen Stewart, I'd be thin and get to hang all over Robert Pattinson. So I'd probably be totally indifferent to whoever was playing me in the Twilight porn version of my character's life. Just saying.

Mike Welch: Really Not That Evil

This morning I had one of those moments when you realize that the lines between reality and fan fiction are blurring.

Here's a nice photo of Mike Welch, who plays Mike Newton, arriving in Vancouver on the same day every other human bit part character got there.

See, nice, harmless, reasonably okay guy.

So why does the sight of him make me see red?

It's not just that he has too much crap in his pockets.

See, I'm a big (like hella big) fan of Poughkeepsie. And in Poughkeepsie, Mike Newton's character proposes to Bella with a CZ ring, wrecks Alice's car, torments Edward, and eventually tries to kill Bella in the woods.

RAORRRR!!!!

Help. I might need an intervention.

Wait, I'm Glad There's Wardrobe After All

. . . .cause apparently some people can't dress themselves.

Shudder.

Who The Heck Did You Let Dress You?

Okay, as long as I am in total rant mode, I'm going to let the costume department have it for this and other crimes against humanity:

What the heck is that outfit? I thought Alice was supposed to look like a fashion plate, not like she had a terminal sun allergy or lupus. It's like that one time when your friends mom got left unattended at the mall and thought she'd try and look hip or something.

It's almost as bad as this one:

It's like a modeling campaign for Coldwater Creek, or the new Stepford Wives of Forks. So annoyed with this!

TMI, Twifans, T.M.I.

My regularly scheduled bit of snarky blogging was totally sideswiped yesterday when I realized that yes, there apparently a line to my fandom.

That line represents the line of ridiculousness beyond which not even I can go. Not physically, and NOT EVEN IN MY HEAD, YOU SICK BUNCH OF BASTARDS.

Ahem.

I don't know if it was just the week I've had, starting with my friend telling me about hitting the strip club on Monday for the first time in 8 years and how much he didn't enjoy it (Monday at a strip club, man, you knew it would suck), followed by a rousing round of TMI all around from a girlfriend in a new relationship and my sister (I love you, but you're married and I don't want to hear about it), but I was totally unprepared for the level of depravity my fellow Twi-lovers have spawned.

Because apparently there is a market for this thing robust enough to warrant its manufacture.

SHOCKING.

Okay, maybe not THAT shocking. The lot of us are Cullen-crazy and Rob-Obsessed, no denying.

But THIS is taking things too far. And it just tripped my lid, because I can't even IMAGINE it.

And, sadly, I tried, too. It made me feel dirty all night, and not the good kind of dirty either.

It's so bad I can't even blog about it openly without shuddering. Thank God the Twitarded ladies had the balls to break it down for me.

It's glittery, cold, and . . . .ech, just read about here.

Bryce Dallas Howard Sacrilege!

Well, Catherine Hardwicke has once again annoyed the snot out of me by speaking in public. It's not just that I don't like her voice this time, though. This time, she's revealing that Rachelle Lefevre was not the first choice to play Victoria . . .it was supposed to be Bryce Dallas Howard all along!

However, at the time, the Twilight saga was beneath Bryce, so she passed on it . . .or her people said it was too small for her . . .or something. And now, when the sheer awesome venom goodness that is Rachelle Lefevre's portrayal of Victoria has made it into a bigger part . . .lo and behold, Bryce Dallas Howard has her hands all over it.

It's a sacrilege, people. I am not amused. Rachelle rocked Victoria and was a really good Twilight trooper. Yes, Barney's Version spells bigger and better things for her down the road, but she doesn't really need people going around saying, well, we didn't really want her anyway. Way to kick a kid when they're down, Catherine.

I still love you, Rachelle, and you'll always be Victoria to me!

Teen Choice Awards: Wardrobe Choices

Bwahahaha, the live feed was down so hearing all about the event was decided for me. I "watched" via tweets and posts, although of course it will all be on again on Monday night.

Until then, we can play my favorite red carpet game: What the hell are you wearing?

Nikki Reed

I like the shoes okay, but I am kind of meh on the dress. Sadly, Nikki is a bit ruined for me at the moment as now, whenever I see her, I am curious how many of her wardrobe choices are being influenced by her connection with this guy.

Ashley Greene

I like the top of the dress, with the feathering or whatever it is around the bustier section. The random floral on the bottom of the dress? WTForks is that? I think the designer could have done something much cooler than THAT with this dress.

Kristen Stewart

So, evidently those are punk rock metal studs dangling on the bottom of that dress. Many people have implied its to keep people's hands away, but I am much more practical than that. How the hell do you sit down on punk rock studs? Through an awards show? Either Kristen is much more hard core than I had previously suspected, or she has a major thing for pain. Or she's an idiot. Take your choice.

Thanks to Socialite Life and Getty for the Photos!

Say No To This Soundtrack Choice

So, I've been catching up on the music selections for the New Moon Soundtrack, and I am not impressed. I mean, this song pretty much sucks.

And the suckage of this one makes me suspicious of the choices Chris Weitz is making for the rest of the movie accessorizing music and effects wise. 'Cause this is the same man who managed to make the were-Jacob look like a mangy stray. I'm a little worried. . . . .